Reinventing myself

Random pic: I bought Rhythm a new window
seat for this sunny window. He almost never
leaves it!

One of the reasons we undertook this adventure in Berlin was that we had grown tired of what seemed like the Missoula "routine". We LOVE Missoula, and our friends, and the natural beauty, and a million other things. But after 12 years we felt like many things were pre-planned for us: the same festivals each year, the same running races, the same parades, the same committees and obligations and routine. To many people this is comforting and familiar, but Dan and I are both people who have never spent 12 years anywhere at any time in our lives, and we were both starting to feel the pull for new adventures, new challenges, new responsibilities. We weren't ready to pick up and go somewhere else permanently, we just thought a break sounded nice. And it felt very freeing for me to step away from all the organizations that needed me in Missoula and take a break from those constant demands. 

While we had planned to shed our Missoula responsibilities, we had at the same time planned to continue our Missoula recreational activities. When we were researching our move here, we spent time trying to find Berlin equivalents to the things we enjoyed in Missoula. Where could Carter do taekwondo and swim? Where could Haley participate in soccer and theater? Where could we hike and camp and bike?

I knew before we came here that I would be responsible for furnishing a house or apartment and I knew that I wanted to make different choices here. I wanted to go "Euro", or at least what I thought was Euro. I pictured us in this sleek, modern loftish apartment surrounded by our very European-looking furnishings. Ha, well that hasn't exactly happened! Our stuff is certainly different from what we had in Missoula, but the budget limited my dreams quite a bit! I bring this up only to point out that our home was really the only area where I knew ahead of time that there would be a makeover. In all other areas I really pictured us sort of transporting our Missoula life and living it in Berlin, minus most of the commitments that come with being a part of a community, because I figured we wouldn't necessarily be accepted into the community. (Thus I had the misguided perception that I would have nothing to do and be able to spend my days scrapbooking!)

I was so intent on escaping my Missoula obligations that when we arrived here I was very hesitant to commit to anything that lasted more than a few hours. Making crafts for the Christmas fair? Fine, I can work on that for a few hours. But joining the Christmas Fair committee and meeting weekly to plan it? No thanks. Supervising kids every once in a while at Carter's cub scout meetings? Okay. But becoming a co-leader? Nope. During our first year here, I didn't get too many requests for commitment to long-term responsibility, and those I did get I turned down. Understandable, I think. Getting adjusted here was a full-time job. If you have been reading my blog you know that it pretty much took me all last year to get us settled in a home with furniture and figure out how to do everything here that is second nature to me back in the US. 

Towards the end of the school year though, both the school and the church started asking me to take on various roles, and I found myself feeling stressed, hesitant to get into any commitments, not wanting to tie myself down. I had to examine these feelings: While I still feel like a relative newcomer, in truth I have come a long way from those early days and I actually can't use the excuse anymore that I can't commit to anything because I'm new here. We were finishing up a school year and I was transitioning to an "old-timer". The new crop of expats was going to arrive over the summer, and I would no longer be a newbie. Plus, I'm a reasonably capable person. Why shouldn't I feel confident taking on some of these duties? Why am I so stressed by the idea of a commitment to something that involves (gasp) work??   

After some introspection, I think I've come to the realization that it isn't the commitment that scares me - I just want different commitments than I've had for the last few years. Thinking about it this way frees me to accept responsibilities that help me learn and grow, in addition to contributing to my community. This got me thinking about how very different, in fact, my life is here than it was in Missoula. Being in a new place with a blank slate has allowed me to essentially reinvent myself for these next few years. I am still Mom, Wife, Cook and Property Manager. But I have new responsibilities that inherently come with our life abroad, and still other new responsibilities that I have chosen, which I can now face with excitement instead of fear since I recognize them as opportunities for growth. 

So, here is a list of some of the roles I am filling in this phase of my life:

• Writer This blog is definitely something new for me. At certain times in my life I have written in a journal, but I have never written for public consumption. Knowing that I plan to write about things makes me experience them in a different way. I think it makes me a little more fully present to my experiences and helps me to notice the details around me, as I take note of what might be interesting to share later on the blog. I think this is an awareness I can take back with me to the US when this adventure is over; I don't have to be living abroad to have interesting experiences! 
  I have also recently agreed to help write the PTA newsletter for the school. Native English speakers are surprisingly rare, but in addition to that I was surprised to discover that skills from my previous employment lend themselves to this type of work. In voice user interface design, my job was to present information clearly and concisely to callers, and it seems I have a knack for simplifying language so that it can be presented clearly to non-native English speakers. I was also a copyeditor way back in my WBCA days. Our first newsletter was published last week and I'm proud to have collaborated on it.
• Runner Missoula is chock full of runners, 98% of whom are faster than I am and have more endurance. I certainly didn't expect to have "running" be one of my regular activities here. But Berlin is blessedly flat and low altitude, and I met this great group of girls, and lo and behold! In Berlin, I am a runner.  
• Travel Agent We poor Americans get so little vacation time. We may spend a lot of time dreaming of the places we would like to travel, but we rarely get to plan more than just one annual vacation, plus maybe some weekend trips. What a privilege that so much of my time here is consumed with planning wonderful places for us to go! I didn't realize what a huge job this was before we moved here, and it feels like I am always behind (I have written about how far in advance the Europeans plan their vacations); I still have two hotels that need booking for our trip to France in two weeks. But if I can approach this responsibility with anticipation and gratitude, it becomes much less of a burden.
• Student I love learning new things, and in Berlin I get to be a student. Not just a student of culture and life, but I'm learning a new language. This is stimulating my brain every day and makes me happy. I'm also studying history, although not as regularly as I would like. There are several great books sitting by my bed waiting to teach me about Hitler and the Second World War and the Cold War and other topics relevant to where I'm currently living.
• Perpetual Tourist I am intent on being a tourist in my city. There is so much to see and do here, and I try to accept any and all invitations for tours, excursions, exhibitions, and experiences. I could live here for years and there would still be new facets of the city to explore.
• Public Transit Rider Another new role for me. I am relishing this chance to reduce my carbon footprint and take a break from reliance on a car. Yes, it takes a lot longer to get places on public transit, but I find that I enjoy leaving the driving to someone else. Getting on the right bus or train can often be frustrating, but once I am safely headed in the right direction I can read if it's not too bumpy, close my eyes and rest, or chat with the kids without worrying about keeping my thoughts on driving. Haley is in the habit of having me do her hair on our morning bus ride. She emerges from the bus each day with a french braid or some other creation that I'm learning to do now that her hair is longer.
• English teacher Another role I was recruited for due to my native-English-speaking status. (The school offers volunteer-led German and English classes to parents.) I was first approached with this job only a couple of months after my arrival in Berlin, and I declined at that time. But when they asked me again in April I realized that there was no class at all because no one was available to teach it. It didn't seem fair to me that I was attending the beginning German class but there was no corresponding class for English. Even though I'm not a teacher, I figured instruction from me would be better than nothing! Last year I just had two Korean students who faithfully attended each week. At first teaching the class was just an obligation, but I soon came to really enjoy my time with these women. One of them was kind enough to bring Korean tea or coffee each week to share with me. At the end of the year they treated me to coffee at a coffee shop and gave me a gift card for a local store. What was most gratifying though, was their enthusiasm for the class and the confidence I could see developing in them.
  This year there are many new parents at the school who want to learn English. I still have my two Koreans, but on any given week I have up to 8 or 9 students from Japan, Russia, Ukraine, Mozambique, Brazil and Vietnam. It's harder to teach the class because there are lots of different levels of knowledge, but I look forward to the challenge each week and to the rewarding work of helping people feel comfortable communicating with the people around them.
• Gymnastics coach Yep, gymnastics. It has been so long since I have been involved with this sport. Haley and Carter both did preschool gymnastics but neither has expressed much interest to continue so I didn't push them. But Haley's good friend across the street from us is in the gymnastics program at the John F. Kennedy school and Haley decided she wanted to do it with her. I put her on the waitlist last year and found out that the program was understaffed and unorganized. BIS (the kids' school) also has an after school program in need of coaches. More than one person had suggested that I help out, but that was too big of a commitment and I didn't even consider it.
  This fall we received an email from JFK asking for more coaches, and I thought about applying but didn't. Then, several weeks later, our neighbor (Haley's friend's mom) told me that she had talked to the coach at the program and they are really needing more coaches so they can accept more kids into the program. I told her I would think about it. I shared this with Dan and he told me he thought I should do it, that he thought I would enjoy it. I hadn't really considered enjoying it; I had only thought so far about whether or not I wanted to commit so much time out of my week (4 hours each week!) and whether or not I was qualified. After all, I haven't coached since college! Do I even know how to teach anymore?
  But Dan's comment sparked something in me. I love gymnastics! And they really need coaches. This seems like a match made in heaven. This is a way to reconnect me with the gym and to use a skill that, like speaking English, is so second nature to me that I don't even realize I have it. I realized that I actually wanted to do this. So I contacted the coach and met her last week at the gym. It turns out that in NO way should I have worried about having the skills to coach. These gymnasts are VERY beginner. Disappointingly so, actually, because it would have been fun to teach some slightly harder skills. But I think I can help these kids and I'm looking forward to getting to play a little myself too. We are working out details of schedule and I may not actually start until January.
• Fashionista Okay, not really! I will never be fashionable and of course I do still own things I've had for 20 years. But it's a little easier to step outside the norm here. I went shopping last spring and bought a large crop of new clothes and shoes, Euro style. People wear much tighter pants here with tapered legs they can tuck into boots. So my bootcut jeans are definitely out! I just can't get into the scarf culture, but at least I have some clothes that don't look "American". The only downside is that all my new stuff is for spring and summer, so I'm stuck with all the old clothes as the weather gets cooler now...
  
  I feel more confident in my new wardrobe. I like wearing something other than jeans and a fleece jacket. It's not that I couldn't wear dressier or hipper things in Missoula, it's just that being here gives me an excuse to try something different, to be someone new. I'm now a teacher, I have coffee dates, I go to events around town, so I don't feel like I'm dressing up if I wear a skirt with boots or a pretty dress. I still wear my uniform of jeans and a shirt most days, but now when I do that I accessorize with a big necklace and European shoes. I'm far from a fashion queen, but in my own little way I'm experimenting! Of course I still show up to pick up the kids from school many days in my gym clothes... 

I think these are my favorites

Big necklace, lacetop shirt (these were all the rage this spring),
tightish jeans, boots

Everyone here wears Converse tennies

Moon shoes??

One of my fancy necklaces

Breezy new shirt 

One thing absent from my list of roles is Servant. I certainly didn't rank at the top of the list in Missoula in terms of giving my time and talents to the less fortunate, but at least I had some regular commitments that allowed me to give back to the needy. Here in Berlin I'm serving my community (school, church, friends and acquaintances) but not the broader community. Is that enough? Am I focusing too much on myself and my immediate community and not enough on the truly needy? That bothers me and I continually wonder if I should be spending more energy trying to find avenues for service here in Berlin. The longer I am here, the more I hear of some opportunities, but they all seem so complicated; they require a lot of German or at least my perception is that they do; they require a weekly commitment; they require me to be in charge and lead the whole effort; they require me to step way WAY outside of my comfort zone. Either the realist or the coward in me feels like when the right opportunity to serve comes along, I will know it and accept it. But I wonder - if God calls me am I listening? Looking for ways to meet the world's many needs in the midst of my own busyness is a constant struggle.