Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Crash

I knew this day would come. I’ve been waiting for it. 

For months I have been consumed every second with what needs to be done now, with what must be finished by tonight, with what is crucial to accomplish tomorrow. I knew that when finally, finally the frantic pace slowed down, that there would be a crash.

And that was yesterday. A day when the kids were at school and Dan was back in Berlin and I was alone with all the unpacked boxes and I finally had the time and space to sit and cry. To grieve the life and the friends I have left behind. To miss them terribly. To be sad and indulge a feeling of hopelessness, just for one day. I'm not really hopeless, of course. Fort Collins is a great city and there are tons of opportunities to make friends, do fun things, have new experiences and explore the area. I know all this, and I'm hopeful that we will settle in here and love it. But that takes time, and before I can embrace the new I need to grieve the loss of the old.  

So yesterday I didn't have the energy to face any problems or decisions or to-dos. I allowed myself to mope and cry and reminisce. 

And today is a new day, and I move forward again. 

Friday, August 10, 2018

First Impressions of the USA

Yesterday was our flight to the US from Berlin, as we begin our new life back in our "home" country. Of course the US is home, but it also doesn't feel like home yet. It was strange filling out the customs form; when it asked for country of residence I had to think for a minute. Germany isn't our residence anymore, and in fact yesterday Dan went to the Burgeramt (government office) and officially deregistered us as German residents. So I put USA, since even though we don't currently reside here, we are about to. Then the passport control agent asked us "Are you guys coming home?" Again, I paused. "Um...sort of. We're moving here," I said.

1) OMG hash browns for breakfast, I am in heaven. Bottomless coffee. Man serving them called me sweetie. American breakfasts are a national treasure.

2) We are freezing! Soooooo not used to the air conditioning. Had to crank it up 10 degrees from the default setting in the room and still slept under full blankets.

3) Welcome to Colorado! Our hotel shuttle driver told us a story about feeding her mother-in-law an “edible” without telling her what was in it. It took me a minute figure out what she was talking about. She thought it was funny but I was thinking isn’t it wrong to drug someone without their consent?

4) There was no cloud of toxic smothering cigarette smoke awaiting us when we stepped out of the airport. No one was blowing smoke into the air around us while we waited for our hotel shuttle. Air that is free from second-hand smoke is one of the things I am looking the most forward to.

5) Information, noise and media is completely overwhelming. We were up early because of the time change and went down to the hotel breakfast at 6:30. All 6 (!) TVs in the large breakfast area were turned on and broadcasting sports games and news. They are set up so that at least one is visible no matter which table seat you take, and my seat allowed me to see one to my right and at the same time see another flickering in my peripheral vision to my left. The news stories change about every 40 seconds so there is constantly something new to see, and if you look away you will feel like you are missing a story. Right at 7:00 the hotel switched on the piped in music as well, just in case we needed extra entertaining. Despite my enjoyment of my coffee and hash browns, I was pining for a quiet Berlin cafe with only the sounds of coffee cups clinking their saucers and muted conversation.

There was an in-depth story on the news about kneeling during the national anthem in the NFL. I asked the kids what they knew about this topic. I and we haven't followed US news as closely in the last couple of years, so I figured now was a good time to start familiarizing ourselves with the topics we will start to hear a lot about. I tried to have a conversation with the kids, but each was staring at a different TV screen and when I would ask a question they would try to pull their eyes away from the screen but just couldn't maintain their focus on me or what I was asking when the TV was right there pulling them in. I made a mental note to avoid restaurants with TVs unless we are specifically going for the purpose of watching a game. I want mealtimes to be focused on conversation.

6) It's going to take a while to get used to communicating easily with people. Talking to the customs officers, calling the hotel to arrange the shuttle, checking in at the front desk, ordering breakfast in the morning - these are all things that I would normally do in German. While my German is good enough to accomplish the task, it takes an extra level of brain power to summon the words and there's always a slight hesitation before engaging in a conversation, e.g. do I really need that omelet or would it be easier to just grab a croissant so I don't have to engage with someone in German? It feels both freeing and strangely boring to be able to say whatever I want and have people understand it.