Out of Gas

Today my tank ran dry. I have been going, going, going for so many days, weeks and months. But today I am empty. It's funny how quickly a mood can change. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good about where I stand. I had been to IKEA the day before and, with the help of a friend, got our closets ordered, and purchased a bathroom cabinet, and a guest bed. Then yesterday my plan was to get our couch ordered and then our house was going to be in pretty good shape! I even felt free enough to start looking at some of the details at the furniture store, like lighting choices. But then I got home and set out boxes and papers in the shape of the couch I want on our floor, and I decided that it was too big for the space. I was back to square one. That was incredibly deflating. And I decided I was just tired–tired of never ending to-do lists, tired of task after task after task, tired of paperwork, tired of e-mails, tired of taking care of so many details that come with starting life over in a new place. I'm even too tired to do things that should be fun like plan our next vacation.

Today after I got home from dropping the kids at school I went to sleep and slept for three hours. I couldn't bring myself to do anything else. I forced myself to get up at noon and eat lunch and do paperwork and manage properties but it's taking all my effort. Of course being exhausted and tired of tasks isn't particular to Berlin; life often seemed like a never ending series of to-dos in Missoula as well. But it just seems more intense here because even the simple tasks aren't simple. Driving across town like I have to do today (to pick up Diablo's crate which we accidentally left at our old apartment) was time-consuming in Missoula but not something to make me nervous like it is here. Calling to make a dentist appointment was a quick two-minute task in Missoula, but here I have been putting it off for weeks because I am nervous to try to speak German and don't really understand what services are offered and how the insurance works here. Both of my animals need to go to the vet, but I don't know if I should drag them all the way across town to the vet by our old apartment or if I need to find a new vet here in this part of town, and I also have the same problem of calling to make an appointment in German. I spent an hour and a half rooting through our garbage on Tuesday night because we have missed the garbage pick up for the last two weeks because it came on a different day because of the holidays. We had so much trash and recycling that I absolutely had to put it out this week but I have come to realize that I was doing the recycling wrong. I went to the next-door neighbor to ask for sure and she actually called the trash people for me and confirmed that the paper recycling cannot go in with the plastic. So I put on my gloves and dumped four bags of trash onto the kitchen floor and put it in the right bags so that I could set it out on Wednesday. See, even the simple tasks are not easy here.

There are so many positive things I could write about. I am halfway through a post about our interesting New Year's Eve which I haven't had time to finish. I often compose blogs in my head when I'm out shopping or riding on the bus but I never have time to go home and write them down. I guess it's therapeutic to write down when I'm struggling which is why I did take the time to write these few paragraphs today (that and I'm avoiding any other work). Of course I should count my blessings, and probably a good workout would help too. I know these things, but knowing them isn't really enough to take the blues away.